buggery.org

From Wikipedia:

Implosion is a process in which objects are destroyed by collapsing in on themselves. The opposite of explosion, implosion concentrates matter and energy. An example of implosion is a submarine being crushed from the outside by the hydrostatic pressure of the surrounding water.

Or a conservative government reeling from a disastrous electoral loss.

The Liberal and National parties are both looking for new leaders after the election, after Vaile resigned and leader-in-waiting Costello refused to accept the job. Costello is pathetic – it makes his taunting of Kim Beazley over “ticker” look all the more insipid. At least Beazley had the courage to step up when his party needed him (in 1996, after Keating was defeated). Now, after coveting the Liberal leadership for years (but never having the balls to challenge) Costello says he doesn’t want it. All tip and no iceberg, indeed.

Next we’ll have a series of former Ministers quitting their seats – Costello, Downer and Ruddock are not going to hang around on the opposition back benches; they’ll take their bat and ball and go home as soon as it’s decent (three months, citing the need to spend more time with family, or illness, or whatever excuse they can cobble to cover their ignominy). Probably one or two others will go with them – we’ll have to wait and see who’s been able to secure a suitably comfortable Board appointment or consultancy over the Christmas holidays. Possibly a few lower-house seats will change hands at by-elections.

So who will lead the two conservative parties? Barnaby Joyce says he’ll accept the leadership of the Nationals, but it would be a break from convention for a Senator to lead a party that holds seats in the Reps. Joyce would be a good leader and would thoroughly reinvent the cow cockies’ party – he’d probably also destroy the Coalition. So they should definitely go with him. But they won’t – Peter McGauran and Warren Truss will share the leader/deputy roles between them, just you wait and see. Yawn…

The Liberals are really scraping the bottom of the (very shallow) barrel with Turnbull, Abbott and Nelson, with Robb and Pyne angling for the second-banana role. Paul Keating offered a very considered analysis of the merits of the various contenders yesterday on The World Today:

ELEANOR HALL: So who should lead the Liberals at this point?

PAUL KEATING: Well I don’t know who should lead the Liberals, but I mean, I know who I wouldn’t be going for. If they take Tony Abbott they’re just going to go back down hill to wherever they’ve been. He’s the one most like Howard ideologically, you know, the last, he’s what I call a young fogey. Howard was the old fogey. He’s the young fogey.

Brendan Nelson - well I liked him more when he had the ring in his ear, actually.

ELEANOR HALL: Malcolm Turnbull?

PAUL KEATING: Oh Malcolm - Malcolm is a bit like, I did that cracker night speech years ago about the big red bunger. You’d go and light it up and you’d stand back for the big explosion. I fancy Malcolm is like the big red bunger. You’re lighting up, there’s a bit of a fizz, but then nothing, nothing.

ELEANOR HALL: What about Julie Bishop then?

PAUL KEATING: Well, I think, I don’t know her but if I was voting this very second I’d probably give it to her because I like women. I always reckon they’re battling in public life, and anyone who can break through, like Julia has, you know.

You look at the girls in the Labor Caucus, I always barrack for them, the whole lot to them - Susan Ryan, Ros Kelly, I got them into the ministry, every one of them.

Obviously I’m hoping for the dream team of Abbott and Pyne – but maybe that’s just my schadenfreude addiction speaking. They’ll probably go for Malcolm Turnbull as leader and, if she declares an interest, Julie Bishop as deputy.

Obviously either Turnbull or Nelson would drag the party back towards the left, back towards that distant place where they lost their soul, while Abbott, Pyne, Bishop and Robb will steadfastly keep them at the right, where they have been repudiated and face years in opposition from coast to coast (not counting the Brisbane City Council, now the most powerful elected Liberals in the country).

Still no final results for the Senate, but the hopes of a Green resurgence are clearly dashed. The Greens will go from four senators to five or maybe six, not enough to hold the balance of power in their own right. The worst news of the election is the loss of Kerry Nettle from the Senate – probably the most talented and brightest Green we had. If the Senate is really going to be hostile, we’ll probably have a double dissolution within three years, which will be good for the Greens.

6:49 PM: 0.75% counted. The ABC is showing a 10% swing against Howard in Bennelong. The commentators are being drowned out by cheers from the floor in the tally room, despite the fact that this is based on one booth, in a nursing home. But I’m smiling…

8:21 PM: 35.7% counted. GO QUEENSLAND!

9:55 PM, 66.3% counted. The Prime Minister’s seat is still up in the air - very close but looks like Maxine will scrape over the line. I’ve promised to run naked through the streets if she wins, but I’ve still got my gear on. Every time the word Bennelong is uttered on the ABC there is a huge cheer, from the crowd in the tally room, from the others at this election party and, if I hear correctly, from across Australia. KILL THE PIG!

10:10 PM: 68.9% counted. Howard is reported to have phoned Rudd to concede. We’re waiting to see him on stage. Meanwhile, most of the world’s media have called it:

(Pants update: still on. I may streak regardless of whether we get a result in Bennelong.)

10:30 PM: 73% counted. Could Peter Costello be more of a nob? His speech is insipid, pathetic, and dull. If the Liberal Party have any sense, they will punish him appropriately for not having the balls to take the leadership from Howard when it was clear Howard was captaining the ship towards the iceberg. Malcolm Turnbull should be the leader of the Liberal Party next week.

10:34 PM: Howard just cut Costello off.

10:37 PM: Howard is typically defiant in his concession speech. But he’s still a loser. It took too long, but eventually Australia woke up to him. Fiona Gillen said it all: “I never thought this was going to happen.”

But it has. The Howard years are over. He accepts responsibility for the defeat.

I still hope he gets cancer.

10:49 PM: “I believe very strongly that Australia’s best years lie ahead of her” (John Howard). Damn right.

10:54 PM: SMH website:

11:03 PM: “Friends, please welcome the Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd.”

11:07 PM: K-Rudd is starting his speech trying to be gracious towards Howard. Not what we need, or care, to hear about at this moment.

11:12 PM: “It’s time for a new page to be written in our nation’s history. The future is too important for us not to work together to embrace the challenges of the future and to carve out our nations destiny.” Etc.

Indigenous affairs, education, hospitals, climate change and water get a mention, and apparent;y we’re going to “get the balance right in terms of fairness and flexibility in the workplaces of the nation.”

The fair go is coming back. The economy will be kept strong but will “deliver for working families.” National security will be enhanced, while we’re at it.

My pants are still on.

“I extend our greetings tonight to our great friend and ally the United States.”

My pants are riding up.

11:27 PM: Rudd has finished speaking. I wonder how we came to have this boring, nerdy, conservative dullard as our Prime Minister. I guess the next few years will tell whether it’s a good result, a great result or just a THANK-GOD-WE-GOT-RID-OF-HOWARD result.

Less than half an hour until the polls close in the Eastern states, so we’ll know soon enough whether the Australian people have voted to remove the old bastard or lost their nerve at the last minute. Everyone I speak to is nervous – the opinion polls have narrowed a bit in the last few days (although why, no-one seems to know: the conservatives have had a horror week) and it looks like it could be close after all.

I’m staying true to my beliefs and predicting a strong Labor victory, with a national swing of about 7.2 percent. Whether this is inspired, optimistic, wishful thinking or just sheer bloody-mindedness we’ll know soon enough.

Pour me a stiff drink, warm the set and bring forth the oracle that is Antony Green. I am ready for anything*.

* (Except a coalition victory, of course).

This is a few weeks old now (it was published in The Age on 23 October) but worth sharing:

The T-shirts (still available, sorry if you wanted one before the election) are here.

Along with 1.83 million others, I tuned into Rove last night to see the PM-in-waiting tell the world who he’d turn gay for.

Those of you reading from outside Australia, and Aussies who lead their lives blissfully free of the intrusion of television, will appreciate a bit of background. Rove is a TV show, hosted by a short, nicely turned-out young man called Rove McManus, who a former Labor leader managed to confuse with Karl Rove, with suitable hilarious results. One of the regular features of the program is that the host always finishes his interviews with the same question: who would you turn gay for?

Clearly, this is a question the Australian public wants Rudd to answer - either that or the 1.83 million were tuned in to see radio funnyman Hamish Blake not being funny while running a marathon.

Rudd was clearly shitting himself. He smiled and waved but you could see the fear in his eyes as the interview moved towards its inevitable conclusion. When the moment came, the leader prevaricated, filibustered, and eventually reached into his coat pocket for a prepared set of options allegedly emailed in by Labor supporters. Dame Edna was a possibility, as was Kel Knight apparently. In the end Rudd said his wife, Therese Rein, was the only one for him. The audience “awww”ed and the host asked if that meant the opposition leader’s wife was really a man.

It was all a bit pathetic, really, until Rove announced that they were required to give a right of reply to the other side. No, John Howard wasn’t game enough to appear, so Greens leader Bob Brown was marched on. What a contrast - Brown was relaxed, genuinely smiling and appeared to be having the time of his life.

Brown is openly gay, so his interview ended with the question “who would you turn straight for?” - Brown briefly displayed his shrubhugger cred by nominating “Mother Nature” but as “she loves me just the way I am,” he admitted to a liking for Missy Higgins.

Now how hard was that, Kevin?

The Daily Telegraph has the story of “Neville”, a Geelong Cats supporter who wanted a permanent reminder of his team’s victory in the 2007 Grand Final. On a trip to Thailand, after drinking 15 cans of beer (”to dull the pain”), said bogan staggered into the nearest tattoo parlour with a sketch of the design he wanted, which the tattooist dutifully followed. Hilarity ensues:

Now he has “right arm” written on his right arm, just above “Gay Premiers 2007″ because the tattooist marked in “Gay” instead of “Day”. “I couldn’t believe it,” Neville told 3AW radio.

“When I first walked in he showed me the picture of the thing, and I just looked at a picture and didn’t really take notice of the words.

“My son-in-law walked in halfway through it … and told me what happened, and I thought ‘you’re joking!” he said.

Photo: Daily Tele