The current fad for coloured wristbands (and their predecessors, coloured ribbons) means that if you’ve got a cause, there’s likely to be a coloured accessory you can wear to "show your support" or "raise awareness".
But there’s a lot of causes out there and, while there are an infinite number of colours, our ability to distinguish between them is sadly limited. This is something gay men, who have spent countless hours in dimly-lit bars debating the difference between kelly green, hunter green, lime green and mint green, understand all too well.
As a service to readers, I have drawn up the following chart, which shows which colours are associated with which worthy causes (sexual or otherwise).
As well as being a handy reference when confronted with one of these coloured abominations, you’ll see that this table has numerous as-yet-unclaimed spaces marked (YOUR CAUSE HERE). If you’re the Secretary of the Munchausen’s-Disease-by-Proxy Association, or the Donavanosis Pride Foundation, or whatever, and you’d like to stake your claim for any of these slots, or even for the more exotic grey flannel, leopardskin or silver lamé ribbon/wristband, email me and I’ll pencil you in. First come, first served!
Whoreses for Causes: The Canonical Hanky/Ribbon/Bangle Code
| Colour | Worn on left | Worn on right | Worn on breast | Worn on wrist |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Red | Fister. | Fistee. | Aware of AIDS, heart disease, lymphoma. Against childhood drug use. |
Christian. Democrat. |
| Magenta | Suck my pits. | Armpit freak. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Fuchsia | Spanker. | Spankee. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Pink (dark) | Tit torturer. | Tit torturee. | Aware of testicular cancer. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Pink (light) | Dildo top. | Dildo bottom. | Aware of breast cancer. | Aware of breast cancer. |
| Coral | Suck my toes. | Shrimper. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Orange | Anything, anywhere, anytime. | Not looking. | Aware of leukaemia, multiple sclerosis, Pro-Democracy. Anti-Racism. |
Supports ending the AIDS epidemic. Aware of lupus, kidney cancer.. |
| Gold | Two for one. | One for two. | Aware of childhood cancer. | Childhood cancer. |
| Mustard | Hung. | Size queen. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Yellow | Pisser. | Pissee. | Aware of cancer, liver disease, spina bifida. Supports overseas troops. Against Teen suicide, Remembers POWs/MIAs, missing children. | Aware of cancer. Do not resuscitate. |
| Pale yellow | Spits. |
Drools. |
(YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Olive | Uniform top. | Uniform bottom. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Kelly green | Hustler. | John. | Against child abuse. | . |
| Hunter green | Daddy. | Boy. | Aware of depression, bone marrow disease, kidney disease. Supports environmental causes. Organ donor. Supports worker safety. | Aware of muscular dystrophy. |
| Teal | CBT top. | CBT bottom. | Aware of ovarian cancer. Pro-polygamy. | Aware of ovarian cancer. |
| Dark blue | Fucker. | Fuckee. | Against child abuse. | Pro-Democracy. Saves pets. Colon cancer. |
| Medium blue | Cop. | Cop sucker. | Supports free speech online. Against drink-driving. | Republican. Against bullying. Catholic against abortion. Against gambling. |
| Light blue | Wants head. | Gives head. | Aware of prostate cancer. Pro-choice. Against dieting. | Pro-tolerance. |
| Robin’s egg blue | 69er | 96er | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Purple | Piercer. | Piercee. | Aware of Alzheimer’s disease, lupus, male cancers, cystic fibrosis, diseases of the pancreas. Against animal abuse, domestic violence, rape, child abuse. Pagan. Cancer survivor. | Aware of lupus. |
| White | Teacher. | Novice. | Aware of adoption issues. Anti-abortion. Against male violence against women. Witch. Pro limits of free speech. | Make Poverty History. |
| Grey | Bondage top. | Bondage bottom. | Aware of allergies, asthma. | Aware of brain tumours. |
| Beige | Rimmee. | Rimmer. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Rust | Cowboy | Trigger | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Brown | Scat top. | Scat bottom. | Anti-tobacco. Embarrassed by US President. | (YOUR CAUSE HERE) |
| Black | Heavy SM top. | Heavy SM bottom. | Anarchist supporting free speech online. Aware of Melanoma. In mourning. | Against Robert Mugabe. |